doc_evil | (no subject)

Deep in the forest, something or someone howls at the moon.

Yeah, it's a someone. It's Doctor Evil, standing beside the broken down, rusted remains of his Bob's Big Boy, boo-hooing over it's lamentable state of non-function. If only he could use it to fly off, abandon ship, leave this bar and all its insolent patrons behind. It has become increasingly clear to the evil genius that he has been too long distracted from his goal of taking over the world. His imagination and ambition got away from him. Why take over one world when you could take over... the universe? Yeah. He could have anything. Even one MILLION dollars.

Turns out there is a very good reason: the people in this bar are a gigantic pain in the ass.

Sighing, he wipes his face and lifts his chin, giving Mini-Me an imperious look that will hopefully distract from his existential crisis of moments before.

"Mini-Me, my precious clone in one-eighth form, I have been lamentably... not stupid, because I remain an evil genius... but blinded by a too large picture. Yeah. Need to back it up a bit. Rewind the tape. No? Don't know what a tape is? Honestly. How quickly the young forget and the idiots assimilate. Riiiiight, how about... As Number Two likes to say before I shoot him with my Nerf gun, 'restructure' the 'business.'"

He nods, the motion vaguely spasmodic.

"Who are these football hooligans? It doesn't matter. No. I am Doctor Evil! I... will TRIUMPH!" he yells, pumping his fist in the air. Moments later, frozen in place, he asks Mini-Me without moving his lips, "Are they here? No? Show Daddy where to hide next. Yeah. We're going to go full on Statham on their ass... asses? Whatever."

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The Littlest Loompa tm watches with a keen and shrewd eye as his patron howls, gnashes, and paces about the wreckage of the Big Boy.

No one should task the Doctor as much as these thugs have. No one should task the Doctor at all.
No. This isn't right. The Little Guy doesn't like it. Not one bit. Something is going to have to be done about this.

Something...his concentration is broken when Doctor Evil addresses him fully. He sits up that much straighter.

Are they here?
No, he shakes his head.
Show Daddy where to hide next.

The Little Guy nods.
And then he grins, quite literally from ear to ear.

"Oompa."

"Riiiiight. There's Daddy's scary boy! Who's going to win? We are! That's right. We're two 'crazy mo-fos,'" he says in his weird, stilted accent and with the aid of finger quotes.

Doctor Evil rubs the top of Mini-Me's diminutive head and nods.

"Yeah, they don't know... with whom they are mess-ing!"

One side of his mouth lifts in a grin. It is nowhere near as intimidating as his clone's.

"No? Too grammatical? Oh, well. I'm e-vil, not crass. Let's go."

The Little Guy jumps down from his Eye-Level-For-The-Doc branch and scurries to the nearest path.

He looks left.

He looks right.

When he's absolutely certain that no one is around he returns to Dr Evil's side.

"Oompa," he squeaks conspiratorially. Then he begins to lead further into a very specific portion of the forest.

His footfalls are methodical. Rather than walking with his usual gait, he leaps from location to the next, showing Dr. Evil exactly where his steps should be to avoid any traps that may exist.

The heady scent of growing cannabis begins to permeate the air.

Doctor Evil also looks left.

He looks right.

Now he turns himself about.

Soon after the Little Guy moves off, Doctor Evil begins to follow. He tries to leap in the very same spots, but his longer stride puts him in danger of overtaking Mini Me. He is forced to pull up and flail in an undignified manner lest he fall over and crush his clone.

He would be inconsolable for hours if that happened.

"Riiiight. I did not know it was 4:20 already. Having a bit of a 'flashback.' Suddenly want to kick around a tiny fabric ball and consume gas station food while listening to the Reality Bites soundtrack."

"Ooompa," the little guy says in agreement.
Or was that disagreement?
It's so hard to tell sometimes.

He continues to dart here and there until he's lead Doctor Evil the the shed with the best sightlines of the "garden."

But rather than open the door to the shed, the Little Guy reaches for a knot in one of the boards of the structure. Which, it would seem, is not a knot at all...but the doorknob for another way in.

A secret way.
And...sadly for Doctor Evil, a Loompa-sized way.

Huffing and puffing, Doctor Evil arrives at the shed and bends over, hands on his knees.

"Daddy's tired. Out of breath. Doesn't have the same evil bounce... in his step," he wheezes.

Eventually he looks up and sees the Loompa-sized hole.

"Mini-Me? My magnificent clone? Throw me a frickin' bone."

The Little Guy grins quite literally from ear to ear, and then jerks his head towards the doorway.

This way!

"Riiiiight."

He eyes the doorway, then Mini Me.

"That is Mini Me shaped. Yeah. One-eighth my size, just like Daddy's special boy."

Beat.

"It is not Evil Doctor shaped. In case you didn't 'notice,'" he finger quotes. "Not going to 'fit.' Even with all the pilates and my juice cleanse."

Really? You don't think so?

The little guy holds both hands parallel to the opening in the tree for an accurate measurement. He then moves his hands, maintaining their distance apart, over towards Doctor Evil.

There is a significant amount of the Doctor than there is opening in the tree.
That's....huh. The little guy didn't see that coming.

He tilts his head to one side as he thinks, then shrugs.
He'll just have to make the door bigger, that's all.

And so he reaches not for a knot in the tree, but for what appears to be the entire side of the tree. As if the tree itself were not a 3 Dimensional tree, but an image of a tree with an edge to it.

The little guy then opens the whole tree.

Creepy? Maybe.

Maybe if Doctor Evil didn't spend lots of time with Mini-Me. Maybe if Mini-Me didn't do that to his head whenever he really committed to a smile.

Maybe then.

Mostly the evil doctor just looks impressed.

"Who's a resourceful evil genius? Who is?"

Beat.

"That's right. Me. I am. Because I have you for my clone. Yeah. Good thinking on my part. Very wise, in an evil way."

He beams at Mini-Me and scampers through the now Doctor Evil sized hole in the tree.