doc_evil | (no subject)

Someone has put up a tent -- the nothing but canopy type you see at weddings when the weather is a little too damp -- by the lake. Under it are two chairs, one large and one small. They resemble the high-backed desk chairs found in any office supply store on Earth, until they start to rotate. The large chair even has a keypad or control console built into the arm. It's all very technological.

At the moment, they are covered in plastic rain slickers and empty.

Rugs inexplicably line the ground around the chairs. There's also a cooler and something bubbling over an open fire, just outside the tent.

"...really you are an exceptional cephalopod. Yeah. Your bilateral symmetry is remark-a-ble. Purple ink is exquisite. What evil genius wouldn't like to sign their name in purple ink?" Beat. "Okay, I can see how you might take that the wrong way. I don't want to ink you. Just weaponize you. Yeah. It's empowering."

Dr. Evil is standing by the shore, attempting to sweet talk Raspberry. Evidence suggests it's not going well. Of course, it could be going far worse. There's a tiny fish tank containing a sea urchin at his feet, just in case it does. That way, at least he'd have someone to talk to, right?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"The creature is beautiful," Morticia intones, all black slinky dress behind the tent. "But I do have to say I believe you are going about your endeavor the wrong way. Have you tried dismembered limbs?"

Doctor Evil's brain short circuits.

One moment he's thinking of weaponizing the squid and the technical challenges of a land and sea laser distribution system. The next it is like someone has poured evil honey down his evil spine.

He lifts his pinkie to his mouth, crosses one foot over the other and executes a turn he learned once in evil tap class.

It doesn't work well on sand.

When he manages to face the right way, he looks at the woman... the goddess... and says,

"Elvira."

Doctor Evil has been waiting all his life for this moment.

"I am fresh out of minions."

"Is Elvira the name of the octopus? That's a lovely name for one." Taking a couple steps forward, "But I must disagree about the requirement of minions - you enjoy communing with the dark powers so much more if it is under your own power."

Oh, hellooooooooo.

What.

What just happened in his brain? Why did his evil inner monologue voice sound like his nemesis Austin Powers?

Clearly this woman's evil powers are beyond compare. Also clear: they are, as the kids say, MFEO.

"No." His shoulder twitches up toward his ear. "The squid's name is regrettably non-evil. Raspberry. I think for the delicious fruit, not the extremely effective bullying tactic found in American grade schools, some wrestling circuits and competitive dog shows."

Beat.

"I've only communed with the dark powers alone lately. Yeah. Been a dry spell."

This man has a not-understated resemblance to Morticia's brother-in-law, but with an accent that would make Fester's undeniable magnetism even more powerful. She really must suggest something to him at some point. Maybe this man could give Fester lessons...?

"What is your name, then? Something worthy of your efforts in the netherworld, I'm sure."

"Naturall-y."

If Doctor Evil puffs up any more he might actually pop and spin out into space like a cartoon balloon.

"I am," dramatic pause, "Doctor Evil." His head does a weird bob and circle before returning to its normal place atop his neck; really, the Fester resemblance only gets stronger. "I went to evil medical school and everything. Yeah. You can look it up."

Beat.

"This is my evil lair at the end of the universe. I'm thinking of redecorating. More lasers. You know, that sort of thing."

He laughs uncomfortably before snapping his face back into a serious, lips pursed expression. It looks a little like Blue Steel.